October 21, 2002

old blog: orange rhymes

Oy! I haven’t been writing so much, not like I used to… (are you happy to not have so much useless crap to read, or does anyone actually get amused by the useless crap?) 😉

Reasons for not writing… A) when I write, I’m wrenching my brain for poem ideas for my creative writing class… and after that, my brain cramps up and I just don’t have the energy for rambling. B) Once again – too many thoughts, I can’t write. It’s like all the thoughts want out of my head at once, so they bottleneck at the ext and jam up, and nothing comes out at all. I need a slow trickle to be able to write. C) It’s fall. It’s definitely fall. I’m getting all old and mature and stuff and (heh) therefore must admit to myself that I have some kind of weird seasonal affective thing going on. But it’s not the typical “I’m so blue” kinda thing. It’s more of a restlessness, and disappointment at times. This time of year, I suddenly feel I have much to be disappointed in.

I’m supposed to be “tracking” my worries, etc for my therapist. This is a difficult task. He wants me to record my thoughts, try to pinpoint what’s going on in my head… I can’t do that. As I told him… when I’m watching the clock, thinking about being late to work… that’s all I’m thinking about. There’s no mysterious “a-ha!” thoughts that go along with it. There’s just “I’m going to be late, I’m going to be late, I’m going to be late” along with the feeling that my heart is running out ahead of me and sometimes I feel like I might puke.

These days, it’s the mornings that are the worst. But again… it’s always been like this, this time of year. It seems unfair to me that I should have to leave where I am, where I want to be, to go somewhere I don’t want to be. I have one place where I want to be, where I still get panick attacks, but I feel kind of shielded from them. I want to stay in bed.

Somehow, he is the only person in the world that makes me feel really safe. I’m the scatterbrain who gets flustered quickly and doesn’t always think straight. He’s the guy that always keeps his cool, stays calm and can think things through. It makes me feel like I’m in good hands.

I’m glad I still feel that way. I was worried that all that had been ruined, that I was going to go cold and wouldn’t be able to recapture anything good. But, lo and behold… the power of a good relationship, even with faults. Either it means that we’re really solid, or it means I’m an idiot. I don’t think I’m an idiot.

I suppose, for as good as it is, it’s only fair there’s some trouble along the way. 😉 I don’t think most women get to be as crazy about someone as I am.

Anyhoo… Part of my restlessness, disappointment and frustration is all the stuff that I want to do and never do.

[] I’d LIKE to not be such a procrastinator. I have the best intentions to do my homework, my poems for creative writing during the week… but somehow they don’t get done until the day they’re due. Argh. I’d also like to finish more that aren’t for class. I have a million ideas started, but I don’t finish any…

[] LANGUAGES!! How many friggin’ lanuages have I started or bought books for in this year alone? (I’ll give you a hint… Russian – again, Italian, Dutch, German, and French.) Pick on already!

[] Finish knitting the damn scarf I started LAST YEAR. I am enjoying this, though… but knitting does a real job on the hands. Ouch. Cramps galore. (Yes, knitting… I spent the last couple nights sitting on the couch KNITTING a scarf for the boyfriend that was upstairs working… hehe Domestic Goddessism 101)

[] Look into ESL

[]PHOTOGRAPHY!!

[]Art of some kind. Any kind. Drawing, sketching, collaging. Anything.

[] Any form of exercise that gets me off the couch. Walking, hiking… anything!!

[] Stop eating so much sugar!! And stop buying so much food and not using it!

Argh. There’s so much more. Some of it involves money… we’re going to Anguilla soon (ONE 5 weeks! 5 weeks!!) so money is scarce till that is paid off next week. But after that… we’ll see. Depending on how A’s situation goes… maybe I’ll just shell out $1500 to go to the “teach english” school in Prague for 6 weeks. heh.

Though, as of late… my dreams are all of the Caribbean. I have such fantasies of us living in a little cabana a short walk from the beach. Who needs this corporate crap anymore? I know he wants money, but… I think he’d be happier living a simple life, sculpting or something, if it involved a cabana on the beach, snorkeling every morning… sunshine, clear water, a sense of well-being.

I definitely felt healthier in Cozumel. The air was better. The sunshine was good for my mental health. Aaaah…

I write a lot of stuff about people I hate that I wish I could be… the snooty art students who live bohemian lifestyles and who travel and speak two languages. *sigh*… I’m too afraid to chase these things. Wild adventures, travel, spontaneity. Though I will say, I’m a little braver the past couple years. At the risk of sounding too saccharine, Ezra does make me feel like things are possible. I don’t doubt that someday we’ll be overseas. I don’t know when or where, I just know we will.

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